Gear for Dogs. And Their Humans.
We started by selling fake cigarettes for dogs. That was very funny. Now we recommend real gear that Nami has personally sniffed, sat on, ignored, or destroyed. We consider all of these valid testing methods.
ETHAN & NAMI — FOUNDERS
THE ORIGIN STORY NOBODY ASKED FOR, CONTINUED
It started with fake cigarettes for dogs. It was a bit. It was funny. Nami was asleep for most of it. Then people started asking: what gear do you actually use with Nami on trails?
So now Dog Cigarettes™ is a gear guide. Real products. Real affiliate links (disclosed above, legally). Nami's opinions, rendered through body language and selective destruction. The cigarettes are still here — spiritually — but the recommendations are real.
We hike with Nami. We test gear with Nami. We lose balls in creeks with Nami. Everything we recommend is something we've actually used. Nami has approved roughly 70% of it. The other 30% she simply refused to acknowledge. We're recommending those too.
*7/10 is Nami's highest known rating. She gave her first BarkBox a 9/10 but has since revised it downward for "emotional reasons." She is a dog. She cannot tell us the reasons.
TESTED IN NAMI'S BACKYARD (AND VARIOUS TRAILS)
Everything here has been used on real hikes, in real backyards, and in one case inside a PetSmart while Nami refused to walk. Affiliate links. Commission earned. Nami happy.
No-pull, padded, four adjustment points. Nami runs to the door when she sees it. She also still acts betrayed when we put it on her. She contains multitudes.
Fill with peanut butter. Freeze it. Hand to dog. You now have 45 uninterrupted minutes. This is the greatest invention in human history. We did not make it. We are just its messengers.
Collapsible. Clips to your pack. Holds enough water for a medium dog who is too proud to admit she's thirsty. Nami won't drink from it if you're watching. Look away. She'll drink the whole thing.
Nami retrieves this ball approximately 40% of the time. The other 60% begins a search party. We've lost 7 balls across 4 ecosystems. Still purchasing. We have accepted this as a lifestyle.
A curated box of themed toys and treats arrives every month. Nami hears the delivery truck from 3 houses away. We have never seen her more motivated. This is her favorite day of the month. She tries to hide it. She cannot hide it.
A backpack for dogs. Your dog carries water, treats, and their own existential weight. Nami walked out of the house wearing this with the confidence of a dog who has never made a bad decision. We were proud.
Keeps water cold for 24 hours. Nami drinks from puddles, streams, and whatever's in the gutter and is completely fine. You are, apparently, more fragile. This is for you. You deserve cold water. You're doing great.
Food, treats, and supplies delivered on a schedule you set. Never run out of food while Nami stares at her empty bowl in silent, devastating judgment. We have been stared at. It is not pleasant. Autoship prevents this.
WEAR YOUR QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICES
The cigarettes were fake. The merch is real. Nami refuses to wear clothing and has made that very clear. All items are for humans, who have less dignity and more credit cards.
Merch store launching soon. Email nami@dogcigarettes.com to get notified first. Nami will not be reading the emails but Ethan will.
PEER-REVIEWED BY ONE (1) DOG WITH STRONG OPINIONS
Nami sniffs it. If she sniffs it twice: promising. If she tries to eat it: 10/10. If she walks away: she's being dramatic. We ship it anyway.
* Sniff tests conducted without IRB approval. Nami has no credentials. She's a dog.
We measure how long it takes to get gear ON Nami. Under 30 seconds: excellent design. Over 2 minutes: still excellent, Nami is just dramatic. She always comes around.
* Nami once sat down for 4 minutes to protest a harness she now wears daily. Drama is not a quality indicator.
How long does a toy survive Nami? Soft toys: 4 minutes average. KONG: indefinite. Rope toys: 11 minutes. If it outlasts Nami's first session, we recommend it.
* The 4-minute record was set by a plush squirrel. The squirrel did not survive. It did not suffer.
We also read actual user reviews, check materials, and test things ourselves. Nami supervises this process from the couch. This is the most reliable part of our methodology.
* Ethan does the reading. Nami does the quality-control napping. Both are essential.
DATA FROM NAMI'S PROPRIETARY SATISFACTION INDEX™
Rankings based on Nami's proprietary DogSatisfaction Index™ (DSI). DSI is conducted via sniffing and selective chewing. Margin of error: ±Nami's mood. Brands were not consulted and do not know they're in this chart. Ruffwear would probably be fine with it.
DEFINITELY REAL HUMANS WHO BOUGHT REAL THINGS
My Golden sees the harness and runs to the door. He used to hide. I don't know what changed. I don't want to question it. We've hiked 200 miles this year. He's thriving. I'm tired. 5 stars.
The box arrives. My dog goes absolutely feral. In a good way. She destroyed two toys in under five minutes and then carried the empty box around for an hour. She is 11 years old. BarkBox found her fountain of youth.
As a dog, I cannot type, use credit cards, or understand commerce. Nevertheless, I endorse this product fully. The peanut butter situation alone warrants 5 stars. I have eaten four of these. I am fine. Gerald out.
The launcher means I can throw farther than my arm allows. My dog now judges me significantly less. We have lost 6 balls. I ordered 12 replacements. This is just my life now and I've made peace with it.
My dog drinks from the creek. I drink from the Hydro Flask. We are very different. We are both hydrated. We are both happy. The flask kept my water cold for 9 hours. My dog did not care. She drank from a puddle. We're fine.
I'm back. Against my better judgment. I'm a vet. These products are genuinely good. The website is still chaotic. Your dog is probably fine. The harness is excellent. The KONG is excellent. Please stop tagging me in posts. Your dog seems healthy.
REAL DEALS, ACTUALLY
First box deals frequently available through our link. Nami gets the treats. We get the commission. Everyone wins except Nami, who won't share.
GET THE DEAL →Ruffwear runs sales throughout the year. We post them here when they happen. Sign up below and we'll tell Nami. She'll tell no one. We'll tell you.
SHOP SALE →New Chewy customers get money off their first order. We can't say the exact amount because it changes. Our link will show you. Nami approves of this.
SHOP CHEWY →NEWSLETTER SUBSCRIBER CODE:
GOODBOY20 is a discount code for newsletter subscribers. Sign up below to see what it unlocks — we rotate what it applies to. Not valid in alternate dimensions or on Tuesdays (we've had bad luck on Tuesdays). Affiliate disclosure: links on this page may earn us a commission at no cost to you. Nami earns zero. Nami is doing fine.
YOU HAVE QUESTIONS. WE HAVE ANSWERS. SORT OF.
WE ARE TECHNICALLY REACHABLE
By submitting this form you agree that your message may be read aloud to a dog. We are not liable for how the dog reacts. The dog's reaction is not legally binding feedback.